Designer Traps

How much of your time and attention do you spend in have-to mode? You know: I have to go to the dumb meeting; I have to go to work; I have to go to my kids school play; I have to go to my in-laws for holiday; I have to, I have to, I have to! We say it a thousand times a day, don't we? The unstated message is I don't want to but I have to or else (fill in the consequence). And the meta message is I live my life in a trap.

But it's a designer trap and you are the architect. Clients come to expect me to say "No you don't" when they use this sort of language around me. The truth is that you don't have to do any of those things. You choose to do them as the best alternative available to you given the choices you've designed -- your designer trap.

What's the problem? Resentment builds, sense of freedom diminishes, sense of power drops, choice evaporates, and you disengage, or worse, you spew your resentment around. You aren't very resourceful when operating out of Obligation, or have-to mode.

Question: If you are, ahem, responsible for providing leadership to people, how much time do you spend in have-to mode and what are you demonstrating by doing so?

What to do? You can attack this monster from different angles. First, examine all of your have-to's and ask yourself what it would require on your part to take 100% responsibility for those choices. A Fortune 500 executive did that and re-wrote his meeting calendar, vowing to fully engage in every meeting he attended, not go, or change the meeting to be more valuable. Second, catch yourself saying the words have to and stop. Insert one of the following choices: want to, get to, am (as in I want to go to my boss's dumb meeting, or, I am going to my boss's dumb meeting). Say it with ownership to remind yourself that you designed this situation for yourself and you have the power to change it when you are ready. Then forgive yourself for being so human and vow to catch yourself sooner next time.

Why it works: This is a simple and powerful practice to remind yourself of who is making the choices in your life so that you can continue to make powerful choices rather than feel trapped. Do that and you'll have more of what you want and want more of what you have. I promise.

Share your thoughts at the blog.

Mini Tip: Forward to your team and discuss to promote responsibility within your organization! Sign up for eTips here!

Responsibility and Profits

Most people in most organizations don’t take responsibility when things go wrong. The result is that they harm their projects, themselves, their teams, and ultimately, their entire organization.

Painstaking research reveals why responsible people like you and me do irresponsible things everyday (in fact, every time something goes wrong large or small). It turns out that responsibility is not just a character trait (or flaw); instead, responsibility is an observable, teachable, and learnable skill linked to a natural mental process for avoiding or taking ownership. And your language reveals where your head is at every time you encounter a problem. Now you can change your culture (or your team or leaders) by getting the language of Responsibility Redefined into your organization.