“What about the person who is too responsible?”

One such question landed recently after I co-presented a webinar with Zach Nies (VP Products, Rally Software) called The Best Kept Secret of Agile Software Quality. Our message was that quality is a 3-legged stool of process, technology, and people. Most organizations attempt to understand and improve process and technology, but don’t adequately understand how to address the people leg of the stool. That’s where the Responsibility Process helps. The Responsibility Process is a great framework for developing teams and environments of true shared responsibility where people will voluntarily confront and overcome silos and other barriers to quality.

Here’s the question I received later that day: How do we best manage “responsibility throttling”?  At some point, if an individual takes on too much responsibility, his/her effectiveness is compromised.  Is this topic covered in any of your publications?

Great question. And I love the term “throttling.”And most of us realize that over-committing and under-committing are both problems.

There are three conditions worth considering

1. The individual who takes on too much
2. The teammate or leader of an individual who takes on too much
3. The leader who assigns too much and does not get push back

A previous post looked at the first condition. This post will tackle the second condition. I’ll address the third condition in a subsequent post.

I wrote back:

Please don’t ever think of throttling responsibility

What you refer to as taking on too much isn’t responsible at all. It is most likely a mindset of Obligation and is a knee-jerk reaction to “feeling bad if I don’t do something” (which is the mindset of Shame).

This pattern is a common anxiousness that something won’t be addressed, so “I have to” take it on. Remember, we graduate upward from island to island. Someone with too much on his or her plate in our society gets to brag and complain about their importance — a coping mechanism.

No one can take on too much true responsibility — if you are clear that responsibility is defined as owning your power and ability to create, choose, and attract. The most responsible people I know learn how much they can pile on their plates and still be effective. And the most responsible leaders I know understand how to set clear priorities and move everything else aside so their colleagues have breathing room.

I’ve sat in executive meetings in agile organizations and seen a highly responsible CEO test the executives as to whether the action items they signed up to for the coming month and quarter could be accomplished in a sustainable fashion. It was a beautiful thing to watch such dialog. Such leaders believe that one of the worst things they can do is allow their reports to over-commit. The next week I was in a board room with a Senior VP who was piling more and more and more onto his folks to prove he could drive accountability. Guess which organization is thriving?

So what is a well-intentioned leader to do?

First, I recommend you increase your own study and practice of responsibility as taught by the Responsibility Process and the Keys to Responsibility. This will help you acquire a much clearer perspective of your own and others behavior so you will see that you want to encourage true responsibility but perhaps throttle acts of Shame and Obligation — or simply biting off more than can be chewed.

Second, apply the Responsibility Process as a framework for leadership, growth and change to support the agile principles and values of people and interactions, few clear priorities, sustainable pace, continuous learning and improvement. It’s a powerful combination.

Third, and most specifically, create a focused feedback loop for the person who takes on too much so he or she can begin to see what you see in their behavior. Help him to understand the idea of a few clear priorities and sustainable pace.

Let me know your thoughts.

“What about the person who is too responsible?”

What a great question. Read this if you take on too much, or if you know someone who does. Three conditions are worth considering:

• If you are the individual who takes on too much
• If you are the teammate or leader of someone who takes on too much
• If you have a leader who commits employees to too much

This post will tackle the first condition. Subsequent posts will address the other conditions.

The question usually rolls out like a plea for help: What does the Responsibility Process say about someone who takes on too much? I think I’m too responsible because I take on more and more even though I can’t handle more.

Because I can be a little slow, it took me years to figure out that the very best response from me was a probing question. I now reply with “Why do you take on too much?” I now predict with better than 90% accuracy what the leader will say: No one else stepped up and I felt bad it wasn’t going to get done, so I had to do something.

The Responsibility Process always leaves clues

That’s what is so cool about the Responsibility Process. It is reflected in our language so if we know what to listen for, we can learn so much about ourselves and others.

So, why can I predict that response with 90% accuracy? First, the Responsibility Process teaches that taking on too much isn’t responsible at all. How does it teach that? Because in the mental position of Responsibility you feel freedom rather than overwhelm. You are taking charge of your life and moving forward. And I never hear someone who has taken on too much sound like they feel really really good about it.

So, even though they use the term responsible, I look somewhere else on the chart for a better answer. Remember, all 7 positions in the Responsibility Process represent a different definition-in-use of responsibility. But 6 of those positions aren’t really owning it at all. For example, the phrase “my broken leg from skiing is his responsibility” may use the term responsibility but the mindset is one of Lay Blame. So when I hear the phrase “too much responsibility” I listen for the mindset rather than the word.

Someone who feels that they have to take something on is not operating in the mindset of Responsibility.

It looks much more like Obligation to me

But, you say, she does not have to take it on. Agreed. The thought of “have to” is a mindset, an unconscious choice based on an assumption of being trapped. When you do it to yourself you only think you have to. The truth is you don’t have to do anything. We choose to for whatever reason.

Here’s the second reason I can predict the response above with 90% accuracy. The Responsibility Process also teaches that each of us tends to be more conditioned toward one of the positions of irresponsibility than the others. If you are the kind of person who takes on too much, each time you take on an extra load you probably think you are doing the right thing. It’s the weight of the whole load together that feels like you are overly responsible.

But look at the answer to my probing question “Why?” They say “I felt bad” (that’s Shame) “so I had to” (that’s Obligation).

Remember, you graduate from a lower position in the Responsibility Process to a higher position when, for whatever reason, you refuse to hang out in that lower position around an upset. So, I’ve learned that about 90% of the time when someone tells me they are overly responsible, they are really Obligating themselves to something in order to avoid feeling Shame that it won’t get done.

It’s a common and recognizable pattern.

You can never have too much true responsibility

I mentioned above that taking on too much isn’t responsible at all. While it may seem like the right thing to do at the time, the truth is that you will remain overwhelmed and many things (for which others may be counting on you) will go undone. It can be seen as selfish—taking opportunity off the table for others, then doing nothing with it.

But the real reason is that there is no such thing as too much real responsibility. As you learn to own more and more of your life, you own more of your choices. And then you own more of your relationship to the universe around you. And when you do that you feel a part of everything—you interact with everything.

So taking on more is not the same as feeling a part of more. Yes, reduce your Obligation, and increase your true Response-Ability.

Takeaways

If you have a tendency to take on too much or coach people with such a tendency, here are some takeaways from this post:

• Remember the keys to Responsibility are Intention, Awareness, and Confront. Read the post again to see how it is reminding you of your true intention, making you aware of your mindset, and inviting you too confront what is really true.
• Listen to your reasons for taking on something. If your reason is to avoid feeling bad then ask yourself this: How I can let go of feeling bad without piling more on my plate?
• Remember, you are free to choose. Yes is a choice. No is a choice.
• You can also play to your own conscientiousness by asking yourself Is it better to take something on that you know probably won’t ever get done than to not take it on in the first place? After meditating on that question for awhile you may find your answer changing.

I’ll repeat his words as best I remember them. He spoke English for my benefit rather than his native Spanish. He began speaking with a gentle, satisfied smile on his face:

I want to share a personal story with you. I have enjoyed a very successful 18-year career. Four months ago I suffered the worst failure of my career—a major mistake.

As he acknowledged this failure, he did not look like a failure. His smile actually expanded, his eyes twinkled, and he beamed expressions of freedom and joy:

Until this morning I had not known how to deal with my failure except through Shame. I assumed there was something wrong with me and I deserved punishment.

After learning about the Responsibility Process™ and the Keys to Responsibility™, and seeing you Christopher demonstrate the ‘pseudo-responsibility’ behaviors of Shame and the behaviors of true Responsibility, I realized I had been stuck in Shame for 4 months.

And I realized I was the one keeping myself there.

I am happy because now I am freed. I can take complete ownership of my mistake.

And then he proudly announced new choices immediately available to him:

My team has been hurting for 4 months. Now I know what to do to help them release their Shame. We will clean up this mess I led us into. We will learn our lessons and we will make amends.

We will be stronger, not as a result of failing, but as a result of acknowledging our honest mistake, and  learning, correcting, and improving as a result.

As you can imagine, you could hear a pin drop on the plush carpet in that room.

I smiled back and said “thank you.” And then I did something else. I beamed a broad smile and I shouted “Congratulations!” I crossed the room to where he was sitting and, standing in front of him, offered two high-fives. He slapped my hands and we laughed together.

I don’t know that everyone in the room understood why the high-fives. Here’s why. Getting yourself over the top from Shame to Responsibility is a huge win, and it deserves acknowledgment, celebration, and even congratulations. This man was reporting a wonderful win to us—a win that happened right there in the room that hour as he learned about Responsibility Redefined™. That deserves more than a mere “thanks for your story.”

Many people are teaching Responsibility Redefined™ now in a variety of settings. If you have similar stories to share, I’d love to read them. Please comment.